Demetri Martin has a relaxed demeanor. You just have to listen to him for a few seconds before you fall off your chair, laughing. Demetri is a gifted artist, but how is he best described? A comic musician? A comic actor? A writer? Now, that’s a bundle of talent.
Food
“If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear-colored clothes or act juicy.”
“My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, ‘That burrito did not agree with me.’ I was like, ‘Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.’ ‘I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’ but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘This is nice!”’
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
“I feel stupid when I write the word ‘banana.’ Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like “Bana … keep going. Bananana” … damn.’”
Word Play
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, ‘cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.”’
“I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’”
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill.’ I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.”
“A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color … person?”’
“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’”
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say … sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of … it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like … after ‘I love you’ … or ‘You’re going to live’ .. or ‘It’s a boy!”’
“I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.”
Birthdays
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
“It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word ‘Happy’… sarcastic birthday, douche bag.’”
Everything Else
“I like parties, but I don’t like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers.”’
“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”
“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude, make a left.’ ‘Those are trees. Trust me.”’
“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
Demetri Martin has a relaxed demeanor. You just have to listen to him for a few seconds before you fall off your chair, laughing. Demetri is a gifted artist, but how is he best described? A comic musician? A comic actor? A writer? Now, that’s a bundle of talent.
Food
“If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear-colored clothes or act juicy.”
“My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, ‘That burrito did not agree with me.’ I was like, ‘Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.’ ‘I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’ but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘This is nice!”’
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
“I feel stupid when I write the word ‘banana.’ Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like “Bana … keep going. Bananana” … damn.’”
Word Play
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, ‘cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.”’
“I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’”
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill.’ I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.”
“A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color … person?”’
“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’”
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say … sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of … it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like … after ‘I love you’ … or ‘You’re going to live’ .. or ‘It’s a boy!”’
“I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.”
Birthdays
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
“It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word ‘Happy’… sarcastic birthday, douche bag.’”
Everything Else
“I like parties, but I don’t like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers.”’
“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”
“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude, make a left.’ ‘Those are trees. Trust me.”’
“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
Demetri Martin has a relaxed demeanor. You just have to listen to him for a few seconds before you fall off your chair, laughing. Demetri is a gifted artist, but how is he best described? A comic musician? A comic actor? A writer? Now, that’s a bundle of talent.
Food
“If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear-colored clothes or act juicy.”
“My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, ‘That burrito did not agree with me.’ I was like, ‘Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.’ ‘I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’ but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘This is nice!”’
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
“I feel stupid when I write the word ‘banana.’ Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like “Bana … keep going. Bananana” … damn.’”
Word Play
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, ‘cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.”’
“I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’”
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill.’ I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.”
“A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color … person?”’
“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’”
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say … sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of … it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like … after ‘I love you’ … or ‘You’re going to live’ .. or ‘It’s a boy!”’
“I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.”
Birthdays
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
“It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word ‘Happy’… sarcastic birthday, douche bag.’”
Everything Else
“I like parties, but I don’t like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers.”’
“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”
“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude, make a left.’ ‘Those are trees. Trust me.”’
“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
Demetri Martin has a relaxed demeanor. You just have to listen to him for a few seconds before you fall off your chair, laughing. Demetri is a gifted artist, but how is he best described? A comic musician? A comic actor? A writer? Now, that’s a bundle of talent.
Food
“If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear-colored clothes or act juicy.”
“My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, ‘That burrito did not agree with me.’ I was like, ‘Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.’ ‘I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’ but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘This is nice!”’
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
“I feel stupid when I write the word ‘banana.’ Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like “Bana … keep going. Bananana” … damn.’”
Word Play
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, ‘cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.”’
“I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’”
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill.’ I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.”
“A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color … person?”’
“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’”
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say … sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of … it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like … after ‘I love you’ … or ‘You’re going to live’ .. or ‘It’s a boy!”’
“I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.”
Birthdays
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
“It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word ‘Happy’… sarcastic birthday, douche bag.’”
Everything Else
“I like parties, but I don’t like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers.”’
“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”
“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude, make a left.’ ‘Those are trees. Trust me.”’
“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
