Every golfer needs a good laugh now and again. Our sport is a tough one to master, which perhaps helps explain why golf jokes are such a part of the game.
Ready to laugh, then? We’ve compiled some of golfers’ favorite golf jokes. The ones included here are longer jokes, more of the “story” kind of golf joke. If you want faster laughs, then check out the collection of golf one-liners and shorter funnies.
And so many jokes have been told at Tiger Woods’ expense in recent years (wait: we’re laughing with him, not at him) that you can also check out a separate collection of Tiger Woods jokes.
Ready to laugh? Let’s get to the funny golf jokes now …
The Voice from the Clubhouse
It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m., I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
“Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!”
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement: “Would the man on the woman’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the voice yelled, “Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee. please?!?!”
I finally stopped, turned around, cupped my hands and shouted back: “Would the jerk with the microphone please keep quiet and let me play my second shot!”
The Funeral Procession
Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he’s about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.
Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.
“Wow,” one of his opponents says. “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You’ve got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something.”
“Well,” Charlie says, “we were married for 25 years.”
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls”.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,Perplexed
The Water Ball
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass exactly the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other “average” golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:
“Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one.”
The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
“Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing.”
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again:
“Take another practice swing.”
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited …
A long silence followed …
Then the voice again:
“Use the old ball.”
Stone Cold
James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four ball, better ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.
James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one’s surprise he hooked his drive again. When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenskeepers buildings. His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the building and some branches.
“I can’t do that,” James said. “Look how narrow that gap is!” But his wife was persistent in urging him on, and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.
So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball … and the ball caromed off a tree branch, ricocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold dead.
A week after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had hit a week before.
He found his ball in the same spot, and once again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.
“No way,” James said. “I can’t hit that shot.”
“Why not?” Ashley asked him.
“Well,” James replied, “you know what happened last time.”
“No, I don’t,” said Ashley. “What happened?”
“Well, last time I tried that shot,” James said, “I made a double bogey!”
Arnie, Jack and Tiger Before God
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”
God asks Arnie first: “What do you believe?” Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.”
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, “What do you believe?”
Jack says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.”
God is greatly moved by Jack’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Woods: “And you, Tiger, what do you believe?”
Tiger replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”
A Liar and a Cheater
Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, “What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?” Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.
It’s a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.
“C’mon,” Gary says to Lee, “help me find my ball. I’ll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there.”
They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desperate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.
“Found my ball!” Gary shouts out triumphantly.
Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. “After all the years we’ve been friends,” Lee says, “you’d cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?”
“What do you mean cheat?” Gary asks indignantly. “I found my ball sitting right here!”
Lee lets out a heavy sigh. “And you’d lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You’d cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.”
“Well what makes you so sure I’m cheating and lying, anyway?” Gary asks.
“Because,” Lee replies, “I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Did I Do That?
Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn’t in the mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ““Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” Chuck replied, “yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?”
“Did you happen to hook your tee shot?” the policeman asked.
“Yes, I did,” replied Chuck.
“Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?” the policeman asked.
“Why, yes, it did,” said Chuck. “Why are you asking me these questions?”
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: “Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. That driver’s car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!”
The policeman’s voice was rising with consternation. “The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!”
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. “What do you think you should do about all this?” he finally asked Chuck.
Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for a minute, then replied.
“Well,” Chuck said, “I think I’ll try opening my stance a little.”
The Lost City
Their wonderment grew with each passing day as they revealed more of what had been hidden by the jungle for millennia. They discovered broad winding avenues with giant flagstones; the avenues all leading to circular areas every few hundred yards, each of which had a perfectly circular hole cut into it. It had to be … an ancient golf course!
The find of the century, the archeologists thought. Imagine, ancient tribal peoples playing golf! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of drawings showing human figures using primitive prototypes of golf clubs.
The archeologists new that tribal oral traditions passed down legends of ancestors, so they set about interviewing the local tribesmen. Amazingly, members of the tribe still told tales of their ancient forebears who followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls … until tragedy struck.
One archeologist was speaking to a wrinkled, aged elder through an interpreter. “Imagine,” the archeologist said, “golf was played here for centuries, then it simply disappeared from history, not reappearing until the 15th century in Europe. If only we knew why they gave up golf … ask the elder if his tribe’s oral histories say anything about the nature of the tragedy that forced his ancestors to give up the game.”
The interpreter asked the question, and the tribal elder gave his reply. The interpreter turned to the archeologist, who waited with great anticipation.
“It’s simple,” the interpreter said, relaying the elder’s response. “They couldn’t afford the green fees.”
Senior Caddies
Jim-Bob showed up at his golf club one day to discover that the club had begun a program using seniors as caddies. One day a week, the club replaced all its regular caddies with senior citizens.
“It’s a new program,” the club starter explained. “All the seniors we hired live at the old folks’ home down the road. But they are in terrific physical shape, and we’re just trying to help them earn a little extra money, get some exercise and stay young.”
That sounded like a noble idea to Jim-Bob, so he set off to the first tee with his 75-year-old caddie. When Jim-Bob finished up on No. 18, the starter asked him how it went.
“Well,” Jim-Bob said, “my caddie was nice guy and he tried really hard. But his eyes were bad. He just couldn’t see far enough to help me find all my shots.”
The starter was apologetic. “I’m sorry. Come back next week and I promise I’ll get you a caddie who can see just fine.”
A week later, Jim-Bob returned. He headed to the first tee, and this time his caddie was 80 years old.
Jim-Bob was a little worried, but his concerns disappeared after his first tee shot.
It was booming drive, around 300 yards but a little offline. “Do you have it?” Jim-Bob asked, “I lost it in the sun.” “Don’t worry,” the elderly caddie replied, “I saw exactly where it landed.”
Jim-Bob and his caddie started up the fairway in the direction where the old man said he’d seen the ball. But Jim-Bob started to get a little worried when they began wandering a bit, the caddie seemingly unsure of the exact location.
“What’s the matter?” Jim-Bob asked, “I thought you said you saw where it went.”
“Oh, yes sir, I saw exactly where the ball went,” the caddie replied.
“Then where is it?”
The caddie replied, “I forgot.”
The Ravine
Dan and Brandon are playing a spectacular new golf course built on very scenic terrain - cliffsides and gullies and ravines.
They reach the 6th hole, where Dan slices a ball into a thickly wooded, deep ravine. But Dan is determined not to take a penalty stroke, so he grabs his 8-iron and starts descending into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is terribly thick and tearing at Dan’s clothes. The sunlight is dimmed by all the overhanging branches and vines. But Dan keeps searching, and finally spots something shiny down below.
As he nears the object, he realizes it’s not a ball, but a golf club. Dan takes a closer look only to discover that it is an 8-iron - and it’s in the hands of a human skeleton laying near an old golf ball!
Dan yells out for his partner. “Hey Brandon, get over here, I got trouble down here!”
Brandon hurries over to the edge of the ravine and yells down, “What’s the matter Dan?”
Dan replies, “Bring me my 7-iron. You can’t get out of this stuff with an 8.”
Gotcha
Marvin was a 14-handicapper, but one day he walked up to his club pro, a scratch golfer, and challenged him to a match. He proposed they put up $100 each on the outcome.
“But,” Marvin said to the pro, “since you’re so much better than me, you have to give me two ‘gotchas’.”
“A ‘gotcha’?” the golf pro asked, “what’s that?”
“Don’t worry,” Marvin replied, “I’ll use one of my ‘gotchas’ on the first tee and you’ll understand.”
The golf pro figured that whatever ‘gotchas’ were, giving up only two of them was no big deal - especially if one had to be used on the first tee. So he agreed to the bet, and the pro and Marvin headed to the first tee to start their match.
Around four hours later, club members were amazed to see the pro handing Marvin $100. The pro had lost to Marvin!
The club members waited for the pro to enter the clubhouse, then asked him what happened.
“Well,” the pro said, “I took the club back on the first tee, and as I started my downswing, Marvin knelt behind me, reached up between my legs and grabbed my crotch, and yelled ‘Gotcha!’ "
The Worst Caddie
Bill and his assigned caddie started off the first tee of the fancy resort course Bill was playing. It was his first time using a caddie, and he was excited.
But by the eighth hole, Bill was already 24-over par. He had lost nine balls in water hazards. And trying to hack his way out of the rough, Bill had dug a trench a foot deep.
Then, on the No. 9 green, Bill was standing over a 1-foot putt when his caddie coughed right in the middle of his stroke. Bill exploded.
“You must be the worst caddie in the history of golf!” Bill screamed.
“I doubt it,” the caddie replied. “That’d be too much of a coincidence.”
The Foursome
A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box.
“Would you like to join us and make a foursome?” asked the grandfather.
“I would, but on one condition,” replied the lovely young woman. “I prefer to select my own clubs and make my own putts without advice from men. Every other time I’ve golfed with men, they try to give me advice. Will you agree not to give me advice?”
The men all consented in unison, none of them being particularly good players.
As they soon realized, this young woman was a fabulous golfer. She was getting par on every hole. The men were wondering who would have the nerve to give her advice!
On the eighteenth hole, the woman found herself facing a 35-foot putt, with a severe undulation on the green. She studied it, and studied it, and studied it.
Finally, she said, “Gentlemen, I’m very happy that none of you tried to give me advice before this. I’ve never played a round with men when at least one of them didn’t try to give me some advice. Right now, if I make this putt, I’ll have par for the course, and I’m asking for your advice. If you help me and I make this shot, I’ll sleep with each one of you!”
The young man rushed over, studied the putt, and said, “You have to aim for that small bush to the left of the hole, that should be the right break!”
The father ran over and studied the putt, then said, “No, I think you should aim at the knot on the log to the left of the hole, and that will be the right break!”
The grandfather walked up to the ball. “Heck,” he said, calmly picking up the ball, “that’s a gimme.”
The Cursing Nun
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the nun said.
“When did you use this awful language?” the Mother Superior asks.
Answered the nun: “Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee.”
“Is that when you cursed?”
“No, Mother Superior,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior.
“Well, no,” says the nun. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn’t you?”
The Heifer
DeShaun staggered into a hospital emergency room, badly battered and bruised. A nurse and a doctor rushed over to help him to an examining room.
“How did you receive these injuries?” the doctor asked.
“I was playing golf with my wife,” DeShaun replied.
The doctor was incredulous. “How could you possibly have been injured this severely playing golf with your wife?” he asked.
DeShaun explained what happened. He and his wife both hit their tee shots on the first hole off line. “I hooked mine into the woods, left,” DeShaun said, “while my wife hit a huge slice that flew into a cow pasture on the right side of the hole.”
After DeShaun found his ball and hit it back into the fairway, he explained, he went to help his wife locate her tee shot.
“I was walking around among the cows,” DeShaun explained, “when I spotted something white on the backside of a heifer. I went over to it and lifted its tail, and sure enough, my wife’s ball had lodged right in the heifer’s posterior!
“So I pointed at the heifer’s backside and yelled over to my wife, ‘Hey, honey, this looks like yours.’ "
Tee Time
Tom was a man of faith, and a man of the golf course. He played golf every Sunday religiously, but only after attending church services.
Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling ill, he said to his wife, “I sure hope there is golf in the afterlife. I feel terrible!”
His wife told him not to overreact with talk about the afterlife. “Go to church and say a little prayer,” she suggested, “and you’ll feel better.”
So Tom headed to church. As he kneeled at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer: “Oh Lord, thank you for everything - my health, my wife and my golf game. I hope that when I reach Heaven I can still play golf.”
As soon as he finished, a voice thundered: “Tom, this is the Lord. I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”
Tom was startled. “Well, give me the good news,” he said.
The Lord replied, “The good news is that in Heaven, we have thousands of championship golf courses, play is never slow, it’s always free and you will never lose a golf ball.”
Tom was ecstatic, “That’s wonderful! You’ve answered my prayer! But what is the bad news?”
The Lord replied, “You tee off tomorrow at 9 a.m.”
The Mermaid
Bud the golfer sets off on a round-the-world trip in his new boat, but he winds up veering off course and gets lost. He drifts onto a deserted island, where he is stranded, all alone.
Months go by and there’s no sign of rescue, and not even a soccer ball to keep him company. Then one day Bud sees a beautiful mermaid coming out of the surf, heading straight toward him.
The mermaid stops two feet in front of Bud and asks him in sexy voice, “Would you like a drink?”
Bud doesn’t have to think about his answer. “You bet!” he nearly shouts.
The mermaid opens the vest she’s wearing, reaches in and pulls out an ice-cold beer.
Then she asks, “Would you like a cigar?” And Bud quickly answers, “You bet!”
The mermaid opens her vest even more and pulls out a Tatuaje Cigar, which Bud lights up immediately with the lighter the mermaid also gives him.
The mermaid bats her eyes, opens her vest even more, and coos to Bud, “And would you like to play around?”
“Wow!” Bud says, “You have golf clubs in there, too?”
Beware What You Ask
A wife and her husband are sitting around one evening, just talking, when the wife suddenly asks, “If I died, would you re-marry?”
“I would,” the husband answered.
“You would?” the wife asked, a bit surprised. “Would you let her come into my house?”
“I would.”
“Would she be cooking in my kitchen?”
“She would!”
“Would she be soaking in my bathtub?”
“Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?”
Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: “Would she be driving my car?”
“Would she be sleeping in my bed?”
“Would she be using my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, definitely not.”
“Why not?”
“She’s left-handed.”
Small World
Miguel and Wesley are playing golf at their favorite course, but on every hole they are being held up by a twosome of women who are always half a hole ahead.
The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow. Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Wesley decided to do something.
“I’ll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through,” Wesley said. He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Miguel waited.
“Can’t do it,” Wesley said, sounding mighty embarrassed. “One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!”
“OK,” Miguel said with understanding. “Then I’ll go ask them.”
Miguel started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.
“What’s wrong?” Wesley asked when Miguel got back.
To which Miguel could only reply: “Small world, isn’t it?”
Terrible Weather Out There
Bob was a religious golfer. Every Sunday morning, he headed to the golf course. It didn’t matter what the weather was like. It could be raining and cold, but Bob didn’t care. It was off to the course. Every single Sunday morning for years.
But one Sunday, Bob finally met his match with the weather. He got up early and drove out to the course, hoping the weather would improve by the time he hit the first tee. But once at the course, he knew he was beat. It was just a few degrees above freezing, and the rain was coming down steady and icy cold.
For the first time in years, Bob headed back home on a Sunday morning.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said “Terrible weather out there.”
“Yeah,” his wife replied, “and can you believe my idiot husband went golfing?”
Cardinal Nicklaus
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his life. “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”
“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal repied. “But …” he said, deep in thought, “what if we offered to make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal? We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Israeli prime minister as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Nicklaus was greatly honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes.”
Greenside Manner
A married couple is out for their weekly round of golf, enjoying a great day and great play.
But on the ninth green, something terrible happens. The wife screams in agony and collapses to the green.
“Oh no,” the husband exclaims, “you’re having a heart attack!”
“Help me, dear,” the wife implores, “find a doctor.”
The husband runs off as fast as he can to find a doctor. He returns to the green quickly, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and glares at him. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting!?” she asks incredulously.
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly. “I found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” the wife valiantly asks.
“No time at all,” her husband answers, while practicing his stroke. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
The Genie
A husband and wife head out to the golf course to play golf together for the first time. In fact, Ray has been teaching Debra to play, and this is going to be her first full 18 holes of golf.
Things are going pretty well until they reach the 7th hole. The tee shot is across a pond to a tight fairway. Ray senses trouble when he sees the big house sitting right next to the fairway on the right side - right where Debra’s slice might take her ball.
Sure enough, Debra hits her tee shot and the ball curves straight for the house. It crosses into the backyard and crashes through a big picture window.
Ray and Debra both cringe. “I’m so sorry!” Debra exclaimed. “Don’t worry about,” Ray said, “we’ll just have to go up that house, find the owner, apologize, and see how much that window is going to cost us.”
So they walk over to the house, find its front door, and knock. A deep, soothing voice replied, “Come on in.”
When they open the door, the damage caused by Debra’s errant shot was obvious. Glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle lay on its side near the smashed window.
A man was reclining on the couch. “Are you the people who broke my window?” he asked.
“Yes, sir. We’re very sorry about that,” Ray replied.
“Oh, no apology necessary!” the man exclaimed. “I owe you a huge ’thank you.’ You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. When your golf ball broke the bottle, I finally was set free! Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. What are your wishes?”
“Wow, this is amazing!” Ray said. He thought for a moment, then blurted out, “I want $10 million a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll even guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now, what’s the second wish?”
Debra jumped in: “I’d like to own a huge, gorgeous mansion in every country in the world, each one complete with servants! And all bills paid!”
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!
“You have one wish left,” the genie continued, “but I want to ask you a favor. I’ve been trapped in that bottle for so long … would you mind allowing me to make the final wish?”
Ray and Debra both were quick to say yes. After all, their future was more than secure. “What is your wish, genie?” Ray asked him.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years,” the genie said to Ray, “my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
Ray and Debra looked at each other, and whispered back-and-forth for a few seconds. Ray asked Debra what she thought.
“You know, considering our good fortune today, all thanks to this genie, I guess it would be OK. But would you mind, Ray?”
“You know I love you, honey,” Ray replied. “I’d do the same for you.”
So Debra and the genie went upstairs. Ray waited downstairs while the pair spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each others company.
After about three hours of non-stop action, the genie rolled over. Looking directly into Debra’s eyes, he asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“We’re both 35,” Debra responded breathlessly.
“No kidding. That’s interesting,” the genie said. “Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?”
God’s Just Punishment
A preacher who liked to play golf every Wednesday at a modest public golf course was standing on the elevated tee at the sixth hole of that course. He took a few practice swings, and looked across the river to the immaculate private country club nearby.
“Just once I’d like to play at that gorgeous course,” the preacher said to his foursome.
Another player spoke up: “My company has a reserved tee time at that club for us every Sunday morning, and it’s all paid for, too. But all of a sudden yesterday the boss says we have to travel out of town for a week. It’s a shame to let that tee time go to waste. I could give you a guest pass and you could have it all to yourself. What do you say?”
Of course this was a dream come true for the preacher, but it put him in a terrible predicament. If he accepted the gift, he would have to miss Sunday worship. He thought to himself, “I haven’t missed a Sunday service in 17 years of preaching. A sin to be sure, but I am after all just a man trying to do my best like all the rest.” He succumbed to temptation and accepted the invitation.
On Sunday, the preacher awoke, called his deacon, and said, “I’m terribly sick today, and will not be able to offer service.”
“Well, we surely hope you are feeling better soon,” said the deacon. “What matters most it that your health is blessed, and we shall all pray for you today.”
This made the preacher feel a little guilty, but it was a beautiful clear cool morning, and promised to be a beautiful day. He opened a box from under the bed that had a new folded golf shirt, his cleaned and polished golf shoes, and he put them on instead of his usual clothes.
Later, on the beautiful practice green, the preacher fit right in but couldn’t help feeling conspicuous. At that exact moment up in Heaven, Saint Peter was looking down. He said to God, “Do you see what is happening down there? I’m very disappointed in this preacher. Surely you are going to do something?”
God replied, “Don’t worry Pete, I’ve got it all figured out.”
St. Pete knew it was best not to question any further, but to just wait patiently and watch for it all to play out.
He watched the preacher walk confidently to the first tee, a short par-4. The preacher teed it up, and hit a pretty fair drive, low and straight.
But just then, God waived his hand and created the perfect little wind. The wind carried the ball as if in the hand of God and lifted it down the fairway. The ball took once bounce and landed on the green, kept rolling, swung to the right, barely crept up to the hole, and fell in. It was beautiful.
Up in heaven, St. Peter was very upset. “An albatross! Are you kidding me? Here is one of our own preachers committing this sin, on a Sunday no less. Just when I’m certain that you are going to offer up the perfect punishment to befit the sin, you instead go and reward him with a once-in-a-lifetime shot?”
God says, “Yes, but calm down Pete. Who is he going to tell?”
